Don’t be tempted by the hamsters at Glastonbury Tor say vets

Posted on March 8, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

A Somerset Strangler on Glastonbury TorLocal vets have advised visitors to stop stuffing their pockets with the hamsters that are swarming over Glastonbury Tor this year.

The huge population of hamsters, known by local breeders as Somerset Stranglers because of the tendency of females to kill their babies when food runs out, has swelled since they were granted protected species status in 1974.

A Somerset Strangler about to biteHamster experts say that Somerset Stranglers were introduced to the area by Dutch tulip dealers in the seventeenth century when they found them to be a breed that could be trusted to guard valuable tulip bulbs.  Because they don’t have any natural predators on Glastonbury Tor they have bred like wildfire and it was only the Somerset potato famine of 1924 that caused their numbers to dwindle.

A Somerset Strangler biting the hand of a childTitania Bonham-Smythe, the Chief Gatekeeper at Glastonbury Tor explains; “When visitors walk up Glastonbury Tor and see the hamsters frolicking on the grass it is very tempting to put a couple in their pockets.  But people need to remember that these are not the same friendly hamsters you find in a pet shop.  They live in the wild and are not tame.  They are ruthless scavengers that will quickly become savage with any human that denies them food or cotton wool for their nest.”

A leaflet is available at the National Trust gift shop explaining the dangers of Somerset Stranglers.

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Glastonbury Pilgrims Union forced to lift Air Sea Rescue boycott

Posted on February 23, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Famous for their weekly barefoot pilgrimage to the top of Glastonbury Tor, the Pilgrims Union are not so well known for compromising on matters of principle. But this afternoon for the first time since late January when they began their boycott, penitent pilgrim Anders McCadmium allowed himself to be airlifted to safety by the Air Sea Rescue Service, during treacherous weather on the tor.

Chief Stairmaster Paul Hompkins later briefed the press on the events that led to this embarrassing event; “I was elected head of the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union in 1976 on the pledge that we would build on the ethos of our brotherhood – our mystical devotion to the earth mother, our humble life of sanctity and contrition. But we also hold personal safety very dear, and when pilgrims make their daily journey to the top of the tor, I insist that in their knapsack full of union paraphernalia they include the basics of life preservation – a tinfoil cape, distress flare and 10kg bar of Kendal Mint Cake.”

Hompkins continued; “Today Anders McCadmium found himself about fifty yards from the top of the tor, caught in the most awful rain storm. It was so bad that he was forced to take shelter in a small dip that provided little in the way of relief. It really was a matter of life and death. He was forced to set off his distress flare which immediately summoned the Air Sea Rescue Service. Fortunately Pilot Officer Graham Gillespie and his crew were able to rescue Mr. McCadmium, and take him to our place of safety, the Pixie Gardens Tea Room in the heart of Glastonbury town. Here he was treated with a traditional infusion of lentil tea, and he seems to be much better.”

Anders McCadmium is expected to make a full recovery once the Kendal Mint Cake has passed through his system.

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Some other pets now allowed to use dog trolleys to climb Glastonbury Tor

Posted on February 18, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

A public outcry has followed the recent announcement that Glastonbury Pilgrims Union has donated thirty dog trolleys to enable people to enjoy the tor with their dogs. These trolleys were necessary because the tor has grown by 30 metres in the last decade which meant that many dogs were no longer able to get to the top under their own steam.

This week three hundred owners of other pets signed a petition that was handed in to the Lord Mayor of Glastonbury the Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight, that claimed equal rights to trolleys for all pets.

In a partial step-down the Pilgrims Union have agreed that if trolleys are not being used by dogs then other pets may use them. However it is not good news for all pets. Very small animals may be expected to double up and share with others in order to avoid wasting space. So for example, if two people arrive with chinchillas, and there is a spaniel sized trolley, they would be expected to share. There are no plans to force animals from entirely different species to share trolleys, but many people think this will be hard to enforce. The rule of thumb is that if a pet is likely to eat or attack another animal that it shares a trolley with, then it should wear a muzzle.

Dog Trolley SignFortunately muzzles for a wide range of species are available in the National Trust gift shop if pet owners arrive without one.

Patricia Barnyard of the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust remains upbeat; “Obviously dogs take priority. They are the best sort of pet, and this new ruling on trolleys accepts that fact. It means that dogs are never expected to share a trolley. They are always welcome to enjoy their visit to the tor, although there have been occasions when a queue of beagles has developed. On the other hand, if you want to bring a hamster or a cat for a walk on the tor it is possible that they will be able to use the trolleys too, and visitors will find a good selection of cat muzzles in the shop, on the shelf below the Hobgoblin Marmalade.”

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Second geophysics scan confirms 42 is Times New Roman

Posted on February 18, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Torsion Bar Dynamics (TBD), the second geophysics company brought in to scan Glastonbury Tor have now completed their scan, with exciting results. TBD were brought in for their second opinion following the discovery on 4th February by Spordfield French Geophys Limited of an absolutely huge 42.

Cynics had dismissed the first scan, assuming it was a simple mistake, such as an imprint from dirty glass on a photocopying machine, with some even suggesting a hoax.

But the new geophysics scan has gone one stage further, said Barry Spright, chief scanner at TBD; “We performed two scans because we knew there would be close scrutiny of this exciting discovery. The main scan was essentially the same as that performed by Spordfield French earlier this month. We can confirm that the 42 exists, and is non-bold Times New Roman. The second scan was to establish what the 42 might be made from. We discovered that the 42 is actually composed of solid iron, just like the rest of Glastonbury Tor. It shows up on the geophysics scan because it is raised above the level of the regular iron mound that forms the tor by between one and two metres, and therefore protrudes into the subsoil.”

Visitors to the tor have always known that its solid iron composition makes metal detectors go wild. Sensitive devices can pick up the tor at a range of up to two miles.

The Time Team declined our request for a comment.

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Welsh Rarebit deemed non-mystical by the Mystical University of Glastonbury

Posted on February 17, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

After an unbroken run of twelve years on the syllabus, lecturers at the food science department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury have decided to stop teaching students about Welsh Rarebit.

Despite its name, Welsh Rarebit is a food that was invented during the reign of King Arthur in Glastonbury, and the Magna Carta has many references to its use as something other than a foodstuff. For example, the Abbot of Glastonbury Monastery is known less for his liturgical achievements than for the fact that he repelled the invading forces of Henry VIII for over three months using only the power of Welsh Rarebit.

Head of food science Andrew Wemblefield explained; “It’s not that the university doubts the mystical properties of rarebit, it’s just that Welsh foodstuffs have started to dominate our syllabus, leading mystical foods from other cultures to take a back seat. We have the need for a more balanced, holistic approach. If we leave students to learn about Welsh Rarebit in their own time it enables us to help them learn about the healing properties of paella, the talisman effect of the bratwurst, and most importantly, the use of low fat Petits Filou in séances.”

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Glastonbury space program ready for April 2012 launch

Posted on February 17, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Scientists from the aeronautics department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury announced at a packed press briefing today that the launch of their Astral class rocket should be ready two months earlier than was previously expected.

The launch will put Glastonbury centre stage in the space race that has enabled the university to attract some of the keenest scientific minds in Europe.

Chief Rocket Engineer Gordon McStevens described the experiments that the Glastonbury space program will investigate; “Three years ago we discovered that mystical birthstones behave in a special way under zero gravity. We approached the European Space Agency, but they were unable to accommodate the very sensitive equipment that our particular line of research necessitates, so we decided to fund a brand new rocket program from university fees. It took nearly a year to raise the £3bn necessary to design and build the Astral class rocket. It will be launched from the Summerland Meadows, overlooked by Glastonbury Tor.”

Observers stationed on the tor will have an amazing view and bookings are already being taken for the limited space that is available.

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Perky pensioner Percival Angstrom returns to Tor for prestigious Vortex Award

Posted on February 17, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Today OAP Percival Angstrom was welcomed back to Glastonbury Tor at a reception arranged by Chief Gatekeeper Titania Bonham-Smythe. This followed his dramatic airlift in January when he was discovered unconscious in St. Michael’s Tower.

Angstrom was presented with a basket of new age products from the National Trust gift shop at the tor, including a delightful selection of lentil tea and Hobgoblin Marmalade.

But the highlight of the event was when the plucky pensioner was given the Vortex Award – a special cut-glass trophy in the shape of St. Michael’s Tower inscribed with his name. It means he joins a very prestigious club that only has eight other members.

Bonham-Smythe explained; “We have now deployed each of the thousand hand-painted signs we received as part of the annual shipment from head office. When Mr. Angstrom visited the tor last month there were still some signs that were not in their correct place, and the particular No Entry sign he encountered on the wrong side of the main door to the tower almost caused him to come a cropper. The St. Michael’s vortex is something that members of the public shouldn’t be too concerned about though. It is very rare, and usually there is a member of staff on hand to step in and help using the special anti-vortex equipment.”

Before leaving the Tor, Mr. Angstrom was shown the display Making Toast Through The Ages that was installed in St. Michael’s Tower as part of the cleanup operation following his vortex. Unfortunately the event was cut short when a slice of toast became wedged in a Toastmatic 4000, setting off the smoke alarm.

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Head of Glastonbury Town Council A impaled on St. Michael’s Tower – foul play suspected

Posted on February 14, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary briefed the press this evening about the case of Councillor Gerald Watkins who was found in his office today impaled on a model of St. Michael’s Tower.

The tower sits majestically on top of the brand new scale model of Glastonbury Tor that according to police had just been unwrapped and turned on for the first time.

The National Trust are considering whether a product recall is necessary.

Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor offered an explanation; “The new scale model of the tor went on sale this week and is fully adjustable. Using the control panel you can type in a value for any year from the early thirteenth century when the tor was discovered, to the year 2050. Hydraulic motors alter the height of the model to be exactly to scale for the year you have selected. There is a clear warning in the instructions that you shouldn’t type in a value beyond 2030 unless you have a high ceiling.”

Henge continued; “I think what may have happened is that Councillor Watkins was leaning over his model and changed the setting from 1556, which was the date corresponding to the lowest recorded height of the tor, to 2050 which is the highest that the model can depict. The mist that tumbles down the slopes of the model may have concealed the fact that St. Michael’s Tower was heading for him at quite a speed and taken him by surprise.”

But Chief Inspector Wilkinson was clearly unhappy with this explanation; “When we arrived at the crime scene we found that the standard instructions had been replaced with a version that tells the user that in order to perform an initial setup of the model they should turn the tumbling mist to its full mystical setting, and then type 1556 into the control panel, followed immediately by 2050. A deadly combination. This model seems to have been a gift to Councillor Watkins from Glastonbury Town Council B, and we are worried that this is an unwelcome deterioration in the twin town triangulation dispute that has plagued the two councils this year.”

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Fully adjustable scale models of Glastonbury Tor go on sale

Posted on February 13, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

The National Trust gift shop at Glastonbury Tor has turned a crisis into an opportunity this week with the release of a new scale model of the tor, delighting visitors.

Following GIPN’s announcement in January that the tor has achieved mountain status because it grew by 30 metres between 2001 and 2011 the Trust found it had huge stocks of the previous scale model that reflected the old height of 160 metres.   These are now available in the bargain bin.

Alarmingly, in the old models the surrounding landscape looked out of scale compared to the current height of the tor.  For example, Glastonbury Marina which sits in the shadow of the tor contained tiny models of sailing boats that were looking increasingly disproportionate.

Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor explained; “We have always been proud of our scale model.  It generates a constant mist that tumbles down the slopes creating a very mystical effect on your mantelpiece, and visitors often comment on the realism of the group of dancers in the famous circle of standing stones.  Being solar powered the model fits very well with the ethos of our gift shop.”

Henge continued; “We had a team of scientists working to make this next generation model of Glastonbury Tor meet the ongoing needs of our customers and they have developed an ingenious solution – a small panel allows you to key in the year and a set of hydraulic motors alters the height of the model to be exactly to scale within a thousandth of an inch.  You can type in a value up to fifty years in the future, but you should only do this in rooms that have a high ceiling.”

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Dogs to enjoy Glastonbury Tor more in 2011

Posted on February 10, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Because Glastonbury Tor grew by 30 metres since 2001, many dog owners have expressed concern about the steep slope their pets must now endure when climbing from the National Trust gift shop at the base to St. Michael’s Tower at the top of the tor.

The Glastonbury Pilgrims Union has stepped in and donated thirty dog trolleys of various sizes that will allow people to still enjoy the tor with their pets, but without tiring them excessively.

Patricia Barnyard of the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust is particularly happy; “This is a typically kind and generous gesture by the Pilgrims Union. The tor has become very steep lately and many dogs struggle to make it all the way to the top. With these trolleys dogs of all kinds can now be led by their owners to the top where they can enjoy the view with everyone else. It is worth noting that the trolleys are available on a first come first served basis, and they are mostly in smaller sizes. You may find a queue if you bring an Alsatian or Doberman for a walk on the tor. There is currently only one trolley that can transport a Great Dane in comfort.”

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Glastonbury Tor may invert – emergency plans prepared

Posted on February 8, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Scientists have known for some time that every 4.5 billion years the earth’s magnetic polarity reverses, and archaeological records indicate that the next flip is imminent.

But the metallurgy department at The Mystical University of Glastonbury have made the surprise discovery that because Glastonbury Tor is made of solid iron, when the next polarity reversal occurs the tor will realign itself, and invert.

They are unsure exactly how long the inversion will take, but best estimates put the speed at somewhere a snail’s pace and a brisk walk.

Artist's impression of Glastonbury Tor following inversionConcerned for public safety, the university has taken the unprecedented step of issuing a set of emergency plans to the National Trust explaining the action that should be taken to minimize risk. Most of the warnings relate to such things as cordoning off the area until the inversion is complete.

But historians are concerned about the possible increased risk of theft that might result from the proposal to place St. Michael’s Tower on wheels so it can be easily relocated to the top of the tor after the inversion.

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Toast-making display irritates Glastonbury Observatory

Posted on February 7, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Only days after their complaint about light pollution, Glastonbury Observatory is in the news again as they fight for a clear view of the sky above them.

Cosmologist Kirsten Denier from Glastonbury Observatory explained; “St. Michael’s Tower has always been a hive of activity, and even before the prison closure in January everyone has managed to coexist in this beautiful mystical space. However, since the Breville toast-making display went live last week it’s been nothing but trouble for us. Smoke from burnt toast has poured into the observatory, and the smoke alarms have been going off and disrupting our astral observations at the most inconvenient times.”

Uther Henge, the top mystical consultant at the National Trust, who leaves his duties at the gift shop twice a day to lead visitors through a presentation Toast, the Tor, Past Present and Future, was keen to placate the observatory; “Nobody predicted how much toast the visitors to the tor would burn. You know the settings on some of the old toasters were frightfully hard to get right, especially if you’re using the double-insertion method for even browning. We have installed a new extractor fan in the demonstration area, so we hope the smoke from burnt toast will vent away from the observatory in future.”

As a gesture of goodwill Henge delivered a tray of hot lentil tea and toast with lashings of Hobgoblin Marmalade to the cosmologists in the observatory.

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Glastonbury Observatory complains of light pollution

Posted on February 7, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Scientists from Glastonbury Observatory are angry about the huge array of lights used by the company responsible for night-time dredging at the controversial Glastonbury Marina.

Many visitors to Glastonbury Tor are unaware that the huge telescope is mounted on the top floor of St. Michael’s Tower, gazing skyward.

Glastonbury Chakra Boatworks Limited (GCB), the company responsible for the construction of Glastonbury Marina declined to make a formal comment, but we did catch their Chief Executive Jane Mellor today who confirmed that they are well ahead of schedule, and that subject to final planning approval, the marina should be fully excavated next month.

But when he talked to us today, cosmologist Kirsten Denier from Glastonbury Observatory looked dejected; “We have spent the last 23 years mapping the skies above Glastonbury engaged in important research into the effect of distant astral bodies on horoscopes. We have made major scientific breakthroughs. For example, in 2009 we proved conclusively that Sagittarians really do come into some luck when Neptune is in the harmonic ascendant third quadrant. But since they started night-dredging at Glastonbury Marina our discoveries have become few and far between, and the predictions we make in our horoscopes have become terribly inaccurate.”

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Geophysicists discover huge 42 on Glastonbury Tor

Posted on February 4, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Glastonbury Tor Geophysics ScanGeophysicists mapping the surface of Glastonbury Tor have made a discovery that is sure to excite fans of Douglas Adams. The number 42 is clearly visible in their computer generated maps of the tor. Indeed, the number is so big, stretching over 400 metres, that scientists believe it might be the biggest 42 on earth. It is so big that were it not covered by a layer of grass and earth it might even be visible from jets flying at 20,000 feet.

Speaking to an excited press gathering, the analysts responsible for the discovery, Joseph French and Anthony Spordfield, demonstrated their equipment. The number 42 was clearly visible on their laptop screens, in a serif font reminiscent of Times New Roman.

The pair explained that geophysics is the surveying technique used on the archaeology programme Time Team, enabling them to make decisions about where to dig trenches. Complicated devices such as Fluxgate Gradiometers and Seismic Refractors look below the surface of the earth, detecting the structures within.

The current survey was commissioned by the Glastonbury Archaeology Society with the aim of mapping the network of ancient tunnels that is believed to run through the tor.

But the discovery of the number 42 has brought calls for the proposed replacement of the grass that covers the tor with a mixed crop of vines and garlic to be delayed until a second geophysics scan can verify the precise font that has been used.

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Toast-making display woos tor visitors

Posted on February 3, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Making Toast Through The Ages - No Knives signA new display Making Toast Through The Ages opened today in St. Michael’s Tower on Glastonbury Tor. This follows the cleanup operation that was necessary following the recent no entry vortex encountered by Percival Angstrom.

This fascinating display charts the development of toast since medieval times. Delicious toasted wholemeal bread has always been part of Glastonbury’s history – indeed it appears in the town’s coat of arms. The Domesday Book refers to the toasted sustenance that pilgrims enjoyed in the town of Glastonbury before making the final barefoot ascent to the tor summit. Visitors to the display learn that no mention is made of butter or marmalade in those early times – these innovations were to arrive in the early fourteenth century during Edward II’s reign.

Sponsored by Breville, the display includes a variety of gas and electrical toasters that have been used since 1912.

The most compelling part of the display is the lecture in one corner of St. Michael’s Tower by Uther Henge, the top mystical consultant at the National Trust who leaves his duties at the gift shop twice a day to fascinate visitors.

The lecture titled Toast, the Tor, Past Present and Future leads visitors through the historical artefacts on display, and includes advice on modern toast-making techniques. For example, visitors are taught the “double-insertion method”, in which they learn how to set the intensity level for their toaster to half its normal value, and flip their toast half way through the process, leading to an incredibly evenly browned surface.

Such techniques are not necessary when using the Breville Toastmatic 4000 which uses modern technology to dynamically brown the surface of bread and deliver a perfect slice of toast every time. This is one of the models of toaster available in the gift shop as you leave the tor.

Uther Henge commented “Obviously safety is first and foremost for us. When they enter the display area we issue visitors with safety goggles so that there is no risk of toast popping out of toasters and causing an injury. We also confiscate any knives we find during our routine search because there have been incidents where people have inserted them into the display toasters to try and remove bread that gets stuck.”

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‘Clear the shelves’ gift shop protest

Posted on February 1, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Playset sales limited to three per customerEchoing the spending cut protests at public libraries this week, visitors to the National Trust gift shop at Glastonbury Tor have been buying everything from the shelves faster than staff can restock them.

In a peaceful protest spearheaded by the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union, hundreds of people have been buying items from the gift shop in response to the recent proposal by Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers to buy the tor from the National Trust and replant the grass with a mixed crop of vines and garlic.

Uther Henge, the top mystical consultant at the National Trust, who is stationed permanently in the gift shop at Glastonbury Tor was brimming with excitement; “People didn’t seem to mind the original plan to replant the tor with variegated shrubs and perennials as far as the eye can see, but the Pilgrims Union in particular were worried that vines would ruin the view out over the plains of Somerset. The double win here is that we had a massive over-stock of Lady Guinevere Lingerie in the gift shop, and have sold over a hundred garments this morning alone.”

The other good news is that the gift shop has sold all of the remaining antique reproduction slop buckets from their prison novelties range that were left over following the closure of St. Michael’s Prison.

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Glastonbury Tor disappears from satnavs

Posted on January 31, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Motorists in South West England awoke this morning to the discovery that satellite navigation systems no longer show Glastonbury Tor on the map. This wrecked the travel plans of many people who were planning to visit the tor today on this special day in the ancient mystical calendar.

Today is indeed an important day for the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union as they celebrate the Spring Equinox – the day when the setting sun shines directly through the window in St. Michael’s Tower and onto the main megalith in the famous ring of standing stones on the tor. People from all over the country come to Glastonbury to see the pilgrims perform their ritual barefoot walk up the single path to the top of the tor – a pilgrimage made all the more difficult by the new Keep Off The Grass signs.

Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor struggled to shed light on the situation; “Yesterday if you typed the postcode for the tor into your satnav it would bring you straight here, although admittedly if you used a TomTom it would take you round the back of the tor to a service road that doesn’t allow you access to the property. But today as the sun rose the tor disappeared from systems much like Marty disappearing from the photo in Back to the Future. If you want mystical, you have to try this out!”

A spokesman for TelSat Inc., the company responsible for the satellites that hover over British airspace was more forthcoming; “This is just paving the way for Twinchester Mountain. We were contacted by an accountancy firm in Kent yesterday who were able to provide all the proper documentation for the change of name.”

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Glastonbury Tor might end up Twinchester Mountain

Posted on January 30, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Changes are afoot for the National Trust who may have to reprint thousands of leaflets and guidebooks later this year following the award by GIPN of mountain status for the tor.

But today, creating yet more uncertainty about the final name of the tor in 2011, Glastonbury town council B highlighted a legal loophole that may force the other half of the town run by town council A to change its name to Twinchester, the name of the town it twinned with for purely administrative purposes yesterday.

Unfortunately for the National Trust, Glastonbury Tor is inside the half of the town run by town council A, who seem to have a less than full understanding of the European twinning system, and the intricacies introduced by these purely administrative twinning arrangements.

Lord Mayor of Glastonbury The Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight has been trying to mediate between the two councils after town council B were not invited to a cocktail party held by town council A yesterday where they were building stronger trade links with Twinchester.

A spokeswoman for town council A said at a press briefing today; “we think council B might have gained access to our offices while we were celebrating the new links with Twinchester yesterday, because it seems their legal eagles have been working through the fine print of the twinning agreement we signed with Twinchester and found a condition that we didn’t notice. Under certain circumstances, such as paying bills late, one twinned town can claim ownership of certain rights and liberties enjoyed by the other. In this case, it seems that Twinchester might own the name Glastonbury, and have the right to change it to something else. Sorry, this is all too much for me, I have a frightful headache from that last bottle of Grenadine, has anyone got an aspirin?”

The Lord Mayor had the final word; “Look, I’m not having some accountancy firm in Kent changing the name of half of this fine town from Glastonbury to Twinchester. It’s a silly name. We have been named Glastonbury for hundreds of years, and who is going to pay for reprinting all the maps and repainting all the signs? Certainly not the accountant, the bill will end up with the taxpayer, that’s who!”

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Glastonbury twin town triangulation confounds Council B

Posted on January 29, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

Glastonbury town council A revealed today that it is to twin its half of the town with Twinchester, a decision that has disappointed town council B, whose massive investment in cheese cubes might now seem over-ambitious.

Twinchester is an off-the-peg town created for administrative purposes by an accountancy firm in Kent. Many people are critical of the standard town twinning system but become absolutely ballistic when their councils become involved in such purely administrative twinning ventures, because they fear the system is so open to abuse.

Several council members from Glastonbury town council A enjoyed the benefits of the Twinchester twinning arrangement at a trade relations building cocktail party today. Reports, as yet unconfirmed, indicate that the entire council stock of Grenadine has been consumed.

Glastonbury Signwriters Guild spokesman Master Craftsman Cyrus Chuldfield was quick to comment; “Members of the signwriters guild have so far repainted half of the signs around the town with the words Glastonbury twinned with Glastonbury. Now, just days later we have to repaint them again saying Glastonbury twinned with Glastonbury and partially twinned with Twinchester for administrative purposes. I shouldn’t be complaining because it keeps our guild members employed, but we are starting to worry that visitors to the town are going to be confused by the small typeface.”

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Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers in dramatic Glastonbury Horticulture Society takeover

Posted on January 28, 2011 by GlastonburyTor

In a surprise move only hours after Glastonbury Horticulture Society announced their bid to buy Glastonbury Tor from the National Trust, Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers announced at a surprise press briefing today that they have agreed to buy a controlling share in Glastonbury Horticulture Society.

This is seen by industry insiders as a move to outflank Deutsch Gartenbau Abteilung, the German horticulture consortium that bought fifteen small mountains in Belgium in 2010, and has been greedily eyeing the nominees for mountain status announced by the GIPN this year.

Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers have big plans for Glastonbury Tor if their purchase is successful; “We have slightly modified the plan announced by Glastonbury Horticultural Society to plant displays of variegated shrubs and perennials over the tor as far as the eye can see. We still envisage a major replanting but now are going to focus on a mixed crop of garlic and vines. Research indicates that it pleases people who visit modern horticultural pleasure parks when they see vegetation that has real commercial value.”

National Trust Chief Gatekeeper at the tor Titania Bonham-Smythe had mixed feelings when we talked to her today; “I was awfully excited by the idea of the variegated shrubs, but I’m not sure people will enjoy visiting Glastonbury Tor if their view over the plains is obstructed by vines. I actually think the Deutsch Gartenbau Abteilung bid for the tor might be more in line with the profile of visitors we see. I spent a week working in the gift shop at one of their Belgian mountains recently and their Klabautermann Marmelade (Hobgoblin Marmalade) had a piquancy you wouldn’t believe!”

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