Tag Archives: Chief Inspector Wilkinson

Glastonbury Tor Ultrabeast might be Queen Hamster

Glastonbury Tor visitors are advised to keep peanuts double wrappedFor many years scientists have been mystified by the all-male population of Somerset Stranglers – the breed of hamsters native to Glastonbury Tor. The big question has always been how do they reproduce?

Religious teaching has been that they engage in virgin birth, explaining why so many hamsters are depicted in the stained glass windows of churches in Glastonbury.

Historically the scientific community has not challenged this idea out of respect for the hamster’s right to privacy. Local byelaws make it illegal to film these adorable animals during what might or might not be their mating season.

But the mystery of how Somerset Stranglers reproduce may have finally been answered thanks to recent coppicing of the wooded area on the dangerous north face of the Tor.

Police have received a higher than normal number of reports of a giant creature. Nervous villagers have responded in the traditional way by screaming “Ultrabeast!” as they run home, lock their front door and hide behind the sofa. But a new generation of visitors to Glastonbury have been able to give police a description.

Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary explains: “Over the last week we have received dozens of calls from ramblers warning of an unexplained creature that roams Glastonbury Tor. Estimates put it at somewhere around twelve feet tall, and bright white in colour. But the clue that makes us think it might be a Somerset Strangler is that so many independent witnesses have described it as having adorably weak forearms. There is only one creature I know of matching that description.”

Wilkinson continues: “The guys in forensics think it may be a rare queen hamster that used to live in the tunnels beneath Glastonbury Tor, and was forced from its natural habitat when the prisoners at St Michael’s Prison dug their escape tunnel and delved too deep. It may now have gone to dwell in the woods on the north face of the Tor, and the coppicing has left it without a home.”

Visitors to Glastonbury Tor should be reassured that there have been no reports of the Ultrabeast attacking humans so it is probably perfectly safe to visit the area. However, if you take a picnic onto the tor you should keep any bags of peanuts double wrapped as they cause aggressive behaviour in male Somerset Stranglers and this could be a hideous problem when scaled up to the proportions of a queen hamster.

Drugs scandal hits Glastonbury space project – pig-tailed macaque might not fly

Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque accosts shoppers at a pharmacy in GlastonburyThis year was always going to be a tough one for Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque. Pressure is mounting in the run-up to the maiden voyage of the Mystical University of Glastonbury’s Astral class rocket.

Jeremy was selected in preference to a human project leader following cut-backs in university funding for the space program. But the need to maintain tip-top fitness levels while attending full time physics, telemetry and language classes may have been too much for this brave monkey.

Chief Rocket Engineer and university spokesperson Gordon McStevens explained; “The problem is children’s pain killers – delicious sweet pink liquid. Because pig-tailed macaques are the size of human children our veterinary consultant suggested we should give it to Jeremy to help him with the aches and pains of exercising. But it turns out that while it’s entirely safe for children, it is heavily addictive for monkeys – it makes him go totally wild”.

Jeremy has been banned from chemists in Glastonbury, and has taken to running around the university campus screaming “More crack! More crack!” – his name for this delicious painkiller. Visitors to Glastonbury have been asked to be on their guard if approached by Jeremy as he tries to get shoppers to buy painkillers for him.

Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary had some sharp words at a recent press conference:

“We have had reports that this well-spoken monkey has recently been harassing shoppers in Glastonbury, paying above the odds to fuel his terrible addiction. He is small – only a child to your eyes – and many people have been taken in by his increasingly fantastical hard-luck stories. He usually explains to innocent shoppers that he left his wallet on the bus and has a splitting headache”.

Wilkinson continued; “But you need to remember that he doesn’t know when to stop. He doesn’t even use the little measuring cup, he drinks it straight from the bottle, and then the residents of Glastonbury have to pick up the pieces – we don’t want to endure another night of rampage”.

Inquest into death of Councillor Watkins reaches open verdict

Following the mysterious death of Councillor Watkins by being impaled on a realistic scale model of Glastonbury Tor in February, an inquest has reached an open verdict.  This has shocked many people, not least Chief Inspector Wilkinson who was convinced of foul play.

The inquest heard details about the events that resulted in Councillor Watkins’ untimely demise, and saw the instruction leaflet that the Chief Inspector believed had been altered to turn the mystical model into an instrument of death.

But in the absence of any other solid evidence, the instructions were not deemed to be sufficient evidence of a crime, and lacking a perpetrator, the police investigation brought forth no useful evidence and fizzled out.

Outside the court Chief Inspector Wilkinson made a statement to the press; “In our work the Glastonbury constabulary regularly have to confront the unpleasant side of life.  Only last week we had to deal with a savage attack on some shoppers by a pack of Somerset Stranglers that had made their way onto Glastonbury High Street in search of cotton wool for their nests.  But the death of Councillor Watkins has shocked everyone on the force.  Forensics tell me that when the scale model of St. Michael’s Tower impaled Councillor Watkins it was travelling at such a speed that they still haven’t found all his teeth.  But the thing is, despite the initial clue of the amended instructions, we haven’t been able to gather any other substantive evidence.  There was a noticeable closing of ranks in both Town Council A and Town Council B.”

The Chief Inspector continued; “The only good that’s come of this is that we have been able to return the model of Glastonbury Tor to Watkins’ widow and she now has the correct version of the instructions.  This means she is unlikely to type in the same deadly combination of dates that cause the model to become dangerous, so she should enjoy many years of enjoyment from it.”

Head of Glastonbury Town Council A impaled on St. Michael’s Tower – foul play suspected

Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary briefed the press this evening about the case of Councillor Gerald Watkins who was found in his office today impaled on a model of St. Michael’s Tower.

The tower sits majestically on top of the brand new scale model of Glastonbury Tor that according to police had just been unwrapped and turned on for the first time.

The National Trust are considering whether a product recall is necessary.

Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor offered an explanation; “The new scale model of the tor went on sale this week and is fully adjustable. Using the control panel you can type in a value for any year from the early thirteenth century when the tor was discovered, to the year 2050. Hydraulic motors alter the height of the model to be exactly to scale for the year you have selected. There is a clear warning in the instructions that you shouldn’t type in a value beyond 2030 unless you have a high ceiling.”

Henge continued; “I think what may have happened is that Councillor Watkins was leaning over his model and changed the setting from 1556, which was the date corresponding to the lowest recorded height of the tor, to 2050 which is the highest that the model can depict. The mist that tumbles down the slopes of the model may have concealed the fact that St. Michael’s Tower was heading for him at quite a speed and taken him by surprise.”

But Chief Inspector Wilkinson was clearly unhappy with this explanation; “When we arrived at the crime scene we found that the standard instructions had been replaced with a version that tells the user that in order to perform an initial setup of the model they should turn the tumbling mist to its full mystical setting, and then type 1556 into the control panel, followed immediately by 2050. A deadly combination. This model seems to have been a gift to Councillor Watkins from Glastonbury Town Council B, and we are worried that this is an unwelcome deterioration in the twin town triangulation dispute that has plagued the two councils this year.”

New Age Reveller transformed into mystical birthstone

“The earth mother has a lot of explaining to do” fretted Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary this afternoon at a press briefing. Wilkinson was clearly struggling to hide his frustration.

This was after an enchanted troupe of new age revellers gathered yesterday on Glastonbury Tor to usher in the third quarter solstice. At times up to twenty five people could be seen dancing, dressed as druids, faeries and pixies, as mists rolled in over the Summerland Meadows and the sun set, casting a beam of light through the windows of St. Michael’s Tower into the mystical stone circle where the revellers celebrated their mythological deity.

Chief Inspector Wilkinson described the disturbing events that then unfolded; “All the evidence indicates this was just your standard third quarter solstice earth mother dance, but I don’t think the revellers were expecting darkness to fall quite as quickly as it did yesterday evening. Their traditional Saxon candles didn’t provide anything like the kind of illumination that was required and soon pandemonium ensued. The police were called, and two revellers arrested for behaviour likely to cause an affray.”

But worse was to come, explained Wilkinson; “When everyone had calmed down a bit and were gathering up their robes and other mystical possessions it soon became apparent that one member of the troupe, Earth Sister Skie Dragonclore had completely disappeared. A detailed police search failed to find the missing reveller, but did turn up a mystical heat-singed agate birthstone at the place she was last seen.”

New age troupe leader Hannah Proudfeet who attended the police press briefing was quick to step in – “Agate was Skie’s birthstone, and the only possible explanation is that she was transmutated during our mystical dance into her birthstone, and we hope one day she will regain her earthly form”.

Not letting his frustration get the better of him, Chief Inspector Wilkinson summed up for the press attendees; “If you pop down to Homebase you can pick up a two million candle power torch for only fifteen quid. If you’re going to dance on the Tor, I’m sorry, I mean mountain now, don’t I… if you’re going to dance on the mountain, please bring enough lighting to see what you’re doing”.

As the press briefing ended, Proudfeet could be seen cradling the agate stone, chanting a mystical incantation. Only time will tell if the magical curse that has afflicted Earth Sister Skie will be reversed at the next quarter solstice.