Tag Archives: GIPN

Glastonbury Tor ready to receive visitors again after returning from Olympics opening ceremony

Brisk sales of cat muzzles resume as Glastonbury Tor returns from London Olympics opening ceremonyYesterday was a busy day for Titania Bonham-Smythe and her colleagues at the National Trust gift shop at the base of Glastonbury Tor, following a week that saw the sale of the smallest number of cat muzzles since records began.

“It was obviously a great honour for the tor to feature so prominently in the Olympics opening ceremony in London” explained Titania “but that has caused very low visitor numbers. Now the tor has been re-seated we’ve been overwhelmed with little jobs preparing for the deluge of visitors today”.

The journey back from London along the M4 motorway was not without difficulty for Glastonbury Tor. The rocket transporters used to transport the mountain that were on loan from the aeronautics department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury were never designed to cover such huge distances – normally the furthest they would take their rocket payload would be from the university buildings in the heart of Glastonbury to the launch area on the Summerland Meadows just a few miles away. Something as simple as a puncture in one of the mammoth tyres on the transporter could cause hours of delay, with resulting tailbacks infuriating motorists.

But Bonham-Smythe is confident that visitors will enjoy a fabulous mystical day out at Glastonbury Tor today, unaware of the fervent behind-the-scenes activity; “Patricia Barnyard from the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust has been in to oil the wheels of the dog trolleys, and the gentlemen from the GIPN (the Geneva Institute of Protuberance Nomenclature) have signed off the tor at 190 metres tall, meaning that it continues to qualify for mountain status.”

And probably the best news of all for nature lovers is that now it’s back from London, many Somerset Stranglers have been sighted emerging from their nests on Glastonbury Tor. Although July is traditionally the nesting period for hamsters worries had been building that the trip to London would cause a mass exodus. Fortunately a special grant of 500kg of cotton wool from the Olympic organising committee ensured that the hamsters were safely protected in their nests.

Glastonbury Tor might end up Twinchester Mountain

Changes are afoot for the National Trust who may have to reprint thousands of leaflets and guidebooks later this year following the award by GIPN of mountain status for the tor.

But today, creating yet more uncertainty about the final name of the tor in 2011, Glastonbury town council B highlighted a legal loophole that may force the other half of the town run by town council A to change its name to Twinchester, the name of the town it twinned with for purely administrative purposes yesterday.

Unfortunately for the National Trust, Glastonbury Tor is inside the half of the town run by town council A, who seem to have a less than full understanding of the European twinning system, and the intricacies introduced by these purely administrative twinning arrangements.

Lord Mayor of Glastonbury The Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight has been trying to mediate between the two councils after town council B were not invited to a cocktail party held by town council A yesterday where they were building stronger trade links with Twinchester.

A spokeswoman for town council A said at a press briefing today; “we think council B might have gained access to our offices while we were celebrating the new links with Twinchester yesterday, because it seems their legal eagles have been working through the fine print of the twinning agreement we signed with Twinchester and found a condition that we didn’t notice. Under certain circumstances, such as paying bills late, one twinned town can claim ownership of certain rights and liberties enjoyed by the other. In this case, it seems that Twinchester might own the name Glastonbury, and have the right to change it to something else. Sorry, this is all too much for me, I have a frightful headache from that last bottle of Grenadine, has anyone got an aspirin?”

The Lord Mayor had the final word; “Look, I’m not having some accountancy firm in Kent changing the name of half of this fine town from Glastonbury to Twinchester. It’s a silly name. We have been named Glastonbury for hundreds of years, and who is going to pay for reprinting all the maps and repainting all the signs? Certainly not the accountant, the bill will end up with the taxpayer, that’s who!”

Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers in dramatic Glastonbury Horticulture Society takeover

In a surprise move only hours after Glastonbury Horticulture Society announced their bid to buy Glastonbury Tor from the National Trust, Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers announced at a surprise press briefing today that they have agreed to buy a controlling share in Glastonbury Horticulture Society.

This is seen by industry insiders as a move to outflank Deutsch Gartenbau Abteilung, the German horticulture consortium that bought fifteen small mountains in Belgium in 2010, and has been greedily eyeing the nominees for mountain status announced by the GIPN this year.

Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers have big plans for Glastonbury Tor if their purchase is successful; “We have slightly modified the plan announced by Glastonbury Horticultural Society to plant displays of variegated shrubs and perennials over the tor as far as the eye can see. We still envisage a major replanting but now are going to focus on a mixed crop of garlic and vines. Research indicates that it pleases people who visit modern horticultural pleasure parks when they see vegetation that has real commercial value.”

National Trust Chief Gatekeeper at the tor Titania Bonham-Smythe had mixed feelings when we talked to her today; “I was awfully excited by the idea of the variegated shrubs, but I’m not sure people will enjoy visiting Glastonbury Tor if their view over the plains is obstructed by vines. I actually think the Deutsch Gartenbau Abteilung bid for the tor might be more in line with the profile of visitors we see. I spent a week working in the gift shop at one of their Belgian mountains recently and their Klabautermann Marmelade (Hobgoblin Marmalade) had a piquancy you wouldn’t believe!”

Glastonbury Tor to be renamed Glastonbury Mountain

Glastonbury Tor to be renamed Glastonbury MountainThe Geneva Institute of Protuberance Nomenclature (the “GIPN”) announced today that because Glastonbury Tor has grown by 30 metres over the last decade, it is to be awarded the prestigious status of mountain, and will be renamed Glastonbury Mountain as of June 2011.

Lord Mayor of Glastonbury The Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight was delighted, and announced to a packed audience in the town square “This is a big day for Glastonbury Mountain, and an even bigger day for the Glastonbury Signwriters Guild”.

However, Uther Henge at the National Trust gift shop was less enthusiastic this afternoon, pointing to a stack of Tor guides that are going to have to be reprinted. “I don’t think those boffins in Geneva really understand how much we liked this place when it was a tor. A lot of people around here are struggling to see any advantages in living next to a mountain”.

Industry insiders believe this award may be a bid to stave off criticism of the Institute over its recent legal action that forced Harry Hill to rename himself Harry Human.