Tag Archives: space program

Drugs scandal hits Glastonbury space project – pig-tailed macaque might not fly

Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque accosts shoppers at a pharmacy in GlastonburyThis year was always going to be a tough one for Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque. Pressure is mounting in the run-up to the maiden voyage of the Mystical University of Glastonbury’s Astral class rocket.

Jeremy was selected in preference to a human project leader following cut-backs in university funding for the space program. But the need to maintain tip-top fitness levels while attending full time physics, telemetry and language classes may have been too much for this brave monkey.

Chief Rocket Engineer and university spokesperson Gordon McStevens explained; “The problem is children’s pain killers – delicious sweet pink liquid. Because pig-tailed macaques are the size of human children our veterinary consultant suggested we should give it to Jeremy to help him with the aches and pains of exercising. But it turns out that while it’s entirely safe for children, it is heavily addictive for monkeys – it makes him go totally wild”.

Jeremy has been banned from chemists in Glastonbury, and has taken to running around the university campus screaming “More crack! More crack!” – his name for this delicious painkiller. Visitors to Glastonbury have been asked to be on their guard if approached by Jeremy as he tries to get shoppers to buy painkillers for him.

Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary had some sharp words at a recent press conference:

“We have had reports that this well-spoken monkey has recently been harassing shoppers in Glastonbury, paying above the odds to fuel his terrible addiction. He is small – only a child to your eyes – and many people have been taken in by his increasingly fantastical hard-luck stories. He usually explains to innocent shoppers that he left his wallet on the bus and has a splitting headache”.

Wilkinson continued; “But you need to remember that he doesn’t know when to stop. He doesn’t even use the little measuring cup, he drinks it straight from the bottle, and then the residents of Glastonbury have to pick up the pieces – we don’t want to endure another night of rampage”.

Unexpected rarebit reaction – Mystical University of Glastonbury reconsiders

Students have been up in arms following the announcement in February that the food science department at the Mystical University of Glastonbury are to drop Welsh Rarebit from the syllabus.

And rumours are spreading that the explanation given by the university for their decision – that Welsh foods were starting to unfairly dominate the syllabus – may not have been the full story.

First year student Tarquin Bonham-Smythe is currently studying mystical toast-based foods at the university and has strong opinions about the changes that are afoot; “When mummy paid my tuition fees she was expecting me to walk away from university with a degree that would land me a job in one of Somerset’s mystical gastropubs.  This is now going to be a lot harder.  The landlords at these pubs expect you to be able to whip up a Welsh Rarebit the moment you set foot in the door, but the idea that I could learn all I need to know in my own time is ridiculous.  I haven’t even learned how to open the Worcestershire sauce bottle yet.”

A typical Levitating Lettuce BapBut Bonham-Smythe’s revelations suddenly took on a darker tone; “You know, I heard the problem was that the University has invested so much in the new space program that there isn’t enough money left from student fees to pay for new grills in the food science department.  I think they’re just changing the food syllabus to include mystical foods that can be prepared on a hob, or in a microwave.  I even heard that they are introducing some sandwich-based mystical foods, and really, what good will that be for me?  Apart from the Levitating Lettuce Bap, most people have never heard of a mystical sandwich, let alone bought one.”