Glastonbury Tor

Tag: hand-cooked crisps

  • Tesco to open new age store at Glastonbury Tor

    Tempers are running high in the local community over plans to open a new Tesco store at Glastonbury Tor in direct competition with the National Trust gift shop.

    But this is going to be no ordinary branch of Tescos – to get past tight planning restrictions they have agreed to make new age products form at least 35% of their inventory.

    A spokeswoman for Tesco announced at a press briefing today; “We will be able to offer a range of mystical birthstones that beat the competition at every price point. Our Basics Birthstones are only 59p which is a big saving over those sold at the National Trust.”

    Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor came quickly to the defence; “What members of the public need to remember is that although Tescos will have a wide range of competitively priced products and the convenience of self-service tills, the most important thing to think about is the total cost of your shopping basket, and this is where the National Trust wins big time.”

    Pointing to the wide range of new age products on sale at the National Trust gift shop, Uther Henge explained; “Because we source our products from local new age traders we can compete well with the core items that visitors to the Tor really want. Products like lentil tea and Hobgoblin Marmalade are in Tescos more expensive Finest range, and there are also some products we sell at the gift shop that Tescos are never likely to stock, like the King Arthur Sword And Stone Playset, and our range of Lady Guinevere Lingerie.”

    Update: Following pressure from Defra’s Squirrel Resuscitation Team today, Tescos have agreed to limit the sale of hand-cooked crisps at the Glastonbury Tor branch to people who can prove they are over 18 years old. Defra are expected to continue fighting for a total ban on hand-cooked crisps on the Tor.

  • Defra hand-cooked crisp warning

    Defra has issued a warning about the effect of hand-cooked crisps on the delicate ecology of Glastonbury Tor. These particularly hard crisps have become popular over the last few years, often replacing thinner and less destructive crisps such as the traditional Golden Wonder Ready Salted that used to be such a common sight in the typical British picnic.

    Squirrel choking

    Ken Armsworth, Chief Animal Welfare Scientist at Defra said at an emergency press conference today: “I don’t think people realise how dangerous a hand cooked crisp can be to a squirrel or badger that is foraging for food in a picnic site. These creatures have become accustomed to eating discarded prawn cocktail and cheese and onion crisps – a particular delicacy for this kind of wildlife. When they find a discarded hand-cooked crisp, they try and eat it with often devastating consequences.”

    Armsworth described the measures that have been put in place to counter the threat of hard and difficult to chew crisps – “We have a team on standby at the picnic area on Glastonbury Tor, ready to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to any squirrels that get one of these crisps trapped in their windpipe. Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do for the badgers though, they take food underground and we can’t get into their lair to provide first aid as they become very defensive, fighting off our well-meaning attempts to help.”

    There is a simple answer – unless you are willing to attend Defra’s new three month Squirrel Resuscitation course (in which case bring any kind of crisp you like*), the next time you visit Glastonbury Tor you should only bring easily crunchable crisps in your picnic, and if you really want to play it safe, bring crisps in flavours that squirrels and particularly badgers don’t like, such as Sour Cream & Chive and Smoky Bacon.

    * Except Salt & Vinegar Ringos

    Visit the Defra website to learn more about protecting these valuable species.