Glastonbury Tor

Tag: Hobgoblin Marmalade

  • Pilgrims to boycott Air Sea Rescue service

    Following the dramatic rescue of pensioner Percival Angstrom yesterday morning, staff at the National Trust gift shop at Glastonbury Tor were surprised to learn today that they have been landed with a huge bill.

    Air Sea Rescue

    Rushing to their defence the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union have pledged to boycott the Air Sea Rescue service until agreement is given that the Trust doesn’t have to pay.

    Hundreds of members of the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union have climbed the tor barefoot every week since ancient times, so it was natural they should be the first to hear about the unwanted bill.  Because they are such an active and close-knit community they were able to arrange an extraordinary union meeting in Glastonbury town hall and quickly agreed a motion to boycott.

    Keen to get an explanation we called the Air Sea Rescue service and were patched straight through to Pilot Officer Graham Gillespie who was flying high over the nearby Bristol Channel; “This is the fifth airlift we have performed on Glastonbury Tor this year and we have decided enough is enough.  Glastonbury is so far inland that other users of our service are suffering.  Every time the National Trust call us out to rescue someone from the tor we are putting sailors lives at risk.  By the way, I would like to thank the lovely Titania Bonham-Smythe because she packed us off with a tasty jar of Hobgoblin Marmalade from the gift shop yesterday when we picked up Mr. Angstrom.”

  • Tesco to open new age store at Glastonbury Tor

    Tempers are running high in the local community over plans to open a new Tesco store at Glastonbury Tor in direct competition with the National Trust gift shop.

    But this is going to be no ordinary branch of Tescos – to get past tight planning restrictions they have agreed to make new age products form at least 35% of their inventory.

    A spokeswoman for Tesco announced at a press briefing today; “We will be able to offer a range of mystical birthstones that beat the competition at every price point. Our Basics Birthstones are only 59p which is a big saving over those sold at the National Trust.”

    Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor came quickly to the defence; “What members of the public need to remember is that although Tescos will have a wide range of competitively priced products and the convenience of self-service tills, the most important thing to think about is the total cost of your shopping basket, and this is where the National Trust wins big time.”

    Pointing to the wide range of new age products on sale at the National Trust gift shop, Uther Henge explained; “Because we source our products from local new age traders we can compete well with the core items that visitors to the Tor really want. Products like lentil tea and Hobgoblin Marmalade are in Tescos more expensive Finest range, and there are also some products we sell at the gift shop that Tescos are never likely to stock, like the King Arthur Sword And Stone Playset, and our range of Lady Guinevere Lingerie.”

    Update: Following pressure from Defra’s Squirrel Resuscitation Team today, Tescos have agreed to limit the sale of hand-cooked crisps at the Glastonbury Tor branch to people who can prove they are over 18 years old. Defra are expected to continue fighting for a total ban on hand-cooked crisps on the Tor.