Tag: mystical

Unexpected rarebit reaction – Mystical University of Glastonbury reconsiders
Students have been up in arms following the announcement in February that the food science department at the Mystical University of Glastonbury are to drop Welsh Rarebit from the syllabus.
And rumours are spreading that the explanation given by the university for their decision – that Welsh foods were starting to unfairly dominate the syllabus – may not have been the full story.
First year student Tarquin Bonham-Smythe is currently studying mystical toast-based foods at the university and has strong opinions about the changes that are afoot; “When mummy paid my tuition fees she was expecting me to walk away from university with a degree that would land me a job in one of Somerset’s mystical gastropubs. This is now going to be a lot harder. The landlords at these pubs expect you to be able to whip up a Welsh Rarebit the moment you set foot in the door, but the idea that I could learn all I need to know in my own time is ridiculous. I haven’t even learned how to open the Worcestershire sauce bottle yet.”
But Bonham-Smythe’s revelations suddenly took on a darker tone; “You know, I heard the problem was that the University has invested so much in the new space program that there isn’t enough money left from student fees to pay for new grills in the food science department. I think they’re just changing the food syllabus to include mystical foods that can be prepared on a hob, or in a microwave. I even heard that they are introducing some sandwich-based mystical foods, and really, what good will that be for me? Apart from the Levitating Lettuce Bap, most people have never heard of a mystical sandwich, let alone bought one.”
March 18, 2011
Glastonbury Pilgrims Union forced to lift Air Sea Rescue boycott
Famous for their weekly barefoot pilgrimage to the top of Glastonbury Tor, the Pilgrims Union are not so well known for compromising on matters of principle. But this afternoon for the first time since late January when they began their boycott, penitent pilgrim Anders McCadmium allowed himself to be airlifted to safety by the Air Sea Rescue Service, during treacherous weather on the tor.
Chief Stairmaster Paul Hompkins later briefed the press on the events that led to this embarrassing event; “I was elected head of the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union in 1976 on the pledge that we would build on the ethos of our brotherhood – our mystical devotion to the earth mother, our humble life of sanctity and contrition. But we also hold personal safety very dear, and when pilgrims make their daily journey to the top of the tor, I insist that in their knapsack full of union paraphernalia they include the basics of life preservation – a tinfoil cape, distress flare and 10kg bar of Kendal Mint Cake.”
Hompkins continued; “Today Anders McCadmium found himself about fifty yards from the top of the tor, caught in the most awful rain storm. It was so bad that he was forced to take shelter in a small dip that provided little in the way of relief. It really was a matter of life and death. He was forced to set off his distress flare which immediately summoned the Air Sea Rescue Service. Fortunately Pilot Officer Graham Gillespie and his crew were able to rescue Mr. McCadmium, and take him to our place of safety, the Pixie Gardens Tea Room in the heart of Glastonbury town. Here he was treated with a traditional infusion of lentil tea, and he seems to be much better.”
Anders McCadmium is expected to make a full recovery once the Kendal Mint Cake has passed through his system.
February 23, 2011
Welsh Rarebit deemed non-mystical by the Mystical University of Glastonbury
After an unbroken run of twelve years on the syllabus, lecturers at the food science department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury have decided to stop teaching students about Welsh Rarebit.
Despite its name, Welsh Rarebit is a food that was invented during the reign of King Arthur in Glastonbury, and the Magna Carta has many references to its use as something other than a foodstuff. For example, the Abbot of Glastonbury Monastery is known less for his liturgical achievements than for the fact that he repelled the invading forces of Henry VIII for over three months using only the power of Welsh Rarebit.
Head of food science Andrew Wemblefield explained; “It’s not that the university doubts the mystical properties of rarebit, it’s just that Welsh foodstuffs have started to dominate our syllabus, leading mystical foods from other cultures to take a back seat. We have the need for a more balanced, holistic approach. If we leave students to learn about Welsh Rarebit in their own time it enables us to help them learn about the healing properties of paella, the talisman effect of the bratwurst, and most importantly, the use of low fat Petits Filou in séances.”
February 17, 2011
Head of Glastonbury Town Council A impaled on St. Michael’s Tower – foul play suspected
Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary briefed the press this evening about the case of Councillor Gerald Watkins who was found in his office today impaled on a model of St. Michael’s Tower.
The tower sits majestically on top of the brand new scale model of Glastonbury Tor that according to police had just been unwrapped and turned on for the first time.
The National Trust are considering whether a product recall is necessary.
Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor offered an explanation; “The new scale model of the tor went on sale this week and is fully adjustable. Using the control panel you can type in a value for any year from the early thirteenth century when the tor was discovered, to the year 2050. Hydraulic motors alter the height of the model to be exactly to scale for the year you have selected. There is a clear warning in the instructions that you shouldn’t type in a value beyond 2030 unless you have a high ceiling.”
Henge continued; “I think what may have happened is that Councillor Watkins was leaning over his model and changed the setting from 1556, which was the date corresponding to the lowest recorded height of the tor, to 2050 which is the highest that the model can depict. The mist that tumbles down the slopes of the model may have concealed the fact that St. Michael’s Tower was heading for him at quite a speed and taken him by surprise.”
But Chief Inspector Wilkinson was clearly unhappy with this explanation; “When we arrived at the crime scene we found that the standard instructions had been replaced with a version that tells the user that in order to perform an initial setup of the model they should turn the tumbling mist to its full mystical setting, and then type 1556 into the control panel, followed immediately by 2050. A deadly combination. This model seems to have been a gift to Councillor Watkins from Glastonbury Town Council B, and we are worried that this is an unwelcome deterioration in the twin town triangulation dispute that has plagued the two councils this year.”
February 14, 2011
Fully adjustable scale models of Glastonbury Tor go on sale
The National Trust gift shop at Glastonbury Tor has turned a crisis into an opportunity this week with the release of a new scale model of the tor, delighting visitors.
Following GIPN’s announcement in January that the tor has achieved mountain status because it grew by 30 metres between 2001 and 2011 the Trust found it had huge stocks of the previous scale model that reflected the old height of 160 metres. These are now available in the bargain bin.
Alarmingly, in the old models the surrounding landscape looked out of scale compared to the current height of the tor. For example, Glastonbury Marina which sits in the shadow of the tor contained tiny models of sailing boats that were looking increasingly disproportionate.
Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor explained; “We have always been proud of our scale model. It generates a constant mist that tumbles down the slopes creating a very mystical effect on your mantelpiece, and visitors often comment on the realism of the group of dancers in the famous circle of standing stones. Being solar powered the model fits very well with the ethos of our gift shop.”
Henge continued; “We had a team of scientists working to make this next generation model of Glastonbury Tor meet the ongoing needs of our customers and they have developed an ingenious solution – a small panel allows you to key in the year and a set of hydraulic motors alters the height of the model to be exactly to scale within a thousandth of an inch. You can type in a value up to fifty years in the future, but you should only do this in rooms that have a high ceiling.”
February 13, 2011