Glastonbury Tor

  • £70m saved as Glastonbury twins with itself

    Following the discovery of a loophole in the European twin town system, the Lord Mayor of Glastonbury The Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight announced today that plans to twin Glastonbury with Langenlonsheim in Germany have been scrapped, and instead the town will twin with itself.

    At a press conference this morning on the edge of the A39 into Glastonbury the Lord Mayor unveiled the new sign that now says Glastonbury twinned with Glastonbury, much to the delight of the Glastonbury Signwriters Guild whose members have been tasked with repainting all of the signs around the town.

    The Lord Mayor was keen to draw attention to the huge savings the council will make over the next few years; “The cost of flying the whole town council for pleasure trips at public expense to Germany every three months was going to be crippling. We will still be making visits to our sister town but we have achieved this in a very creative way, by dividing the town council in two and then inviting each other over for cheese and wine parties, where we strengthen trade and community links.”

    In other news, the Somerset Cheese Federation announced the biggest order in their history from Glastonbury town council B today, for £1m of ready-cut cheese cubes, and Glastonbury Toothpick and Pineapple Chunks PLC saw a 30% boost in share value as trading started on the London Stock Exchange.

  • Tesco to open new age store at Glastonbury Tor

    Tempers are running high in the local community over plans to open a new Tesco store at Glastonbury Tor in direct competition with the National Trust gift shop.

    But this is going to be no ordinary branch of Tescos – to get past tight planning restrictions they have agreed to make new age products form at least 35% of their inventory.

    A spokeswoman for Tesco announced at a press briefing today; “We will be able to offer a range of mystical birthstones that beat the competition at every price point. Our Basics Birthstones are only 59p which is a big saving over those sold at the National Trust.”

    Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor came quickly to the defence; “What members of the public need to remember is that although Tescos will have a wide range of competitively priced products and the convenience of self-service tills, the most important thing to think about is the total cost of your shopping basket, and this is where the National Trust wins big time.”

    Pointing to the wide range of new age products on sale at the National Trust gift shop, Uther Henge explained; “Because we source our products from local new age traders we can compete well with the core items that visitors to the Tor really want. Products like lentil tea and Hobgoblin Marmalade are in Tescos more expensive Finest range, and there are also some products we sell at the gift shop that Tescos are never likely to stock, like the King Arthur Sword And Stone Playset, and our range of Lady Guinevere Lingerie.”

    Update: Following pressure from Defra’s Squirrel Resuscitation Team today, Tescos have agreed to limit the sale of hand-cooked crisps at the Glastonbury Tor branch to people who can prove they are over 18 years old. Defra are expected to continue fighting for a total ban on hand-cooked crisps on the Tor.

  • Rare bird triggers further hard crisp clampdown

    Sightings of a rare Lesser Snow Goose on Glastonbury Tor have triggered a rush of “twitchers” (bird spotters) to the bird-spotting hide at St. Michael’s Tower this week.

    The twitchers generally get on reasonably well with other users of the tor, although some visitors take a while to get used to the total silence rule that the twitchers try to impose.

    Yesterday though the twitchers came head-to-head with Defra’s Squirrel Resuscitation Team (the “SRT”) that is permanently on standby at the tor because of the recent hand-cooked crisp warning.

    Details are hazy, but reports indicate that a squirrel crept into the twitcher’s hide, found and ate a discarded hand-cooked sea salt and cracked black pepper crisp, which promptly lodged in its windpipe.

    A scuffle ensued when a member of the SRT attempted to resuscitate the squirrel and was set upon by enraged twitchers, whose attempts to maintain silence had fallen on deaf ears.

    Fortunately the police were on hand within minutes and peace was restored, but now a member of the resuscitation team is stationed at the entry gate checking the picnics that visitors bring onto the tor, and placing a security seal on any packs of hand cooked crisps that are brought in.

  • St. Michael’s Prison finally closes

    The final chapter in the story of Britain’s most expensive jail finally came to an end yesterday as the prison in the basement of St. Michael’s Tower closed, and its captives were let out on license to roam the streets of Glastonbury.

    St Michaels Prison Glastonbury Tor

    St Michael’s Tower sits on top of Glastonbury Tor, and for many years has been a source of friction between the prison service and the National Trust – the basement being managed by prison officers, and the upper floors staffed by National Trust volunteers.

    The closure of this prison was welcomed by many people, not least Uther Henge, the mystics consultant stationed in the gift Shop at Glastonbury Tor, who explained; “Life has been intolerable at times, with prisoners being mocked by members of public who mistakenly believe they are there as part of an interactive display, and prisoners shouting abuse at visitors as they enjoy the mystical nature of the Tor”.

    But prison guard Barry Evans who has been guarding prisoners at St Michael’s Prison for over twenty years and is now being reassigned to one of the prison service’s more prosaic clinks was less than enthusiastic; “I’ve spent many happy hours meditating on the meaning of life while guarding convicts in this prison – it has the reputation of being the most spiritually enlightened place to be incarcerated in the whole of the United Kingdom”.

    Looking wistfully out over the misty plains surrounding Glastonbury Tor, Barry Evans continued; “The thing is though, many people high up in the prison service regard it as more of a novelty prison and although we get extra funding from the prison-related gifts sold at the National Trust shop, it still costs a lot more to lock someone up here than at the bigger but less mystical prisons elsewhere in England”.

  • Local fury as dredging starts on new Glastonbury Marina

    Local residents are up in arms about the dredging that started on the new Glastonbury Marina this weekend.

    The fear is that because this is ahead of final planning permission sign-off by the Glastonbury Planning Committee the town might find itself with a huge lake but no marina.

    It’s not all bad though – keen sailor Roger Ginty of Shipton Terrace in Glastonbury has been sitting in his 26 foot yacht this afternoon making sure it’s all shipshape and Bristol fashion. He’s waiting for the new marina to open for business because his craft has been marooned in Glastonbury since 1986 and this will be his big chance to sail back from the marina into the Bristol Channel, along the canal that is to be completed by 2015.