• Glastonbury Tor to be renamed Glastonbury Mountain

    The Geneva Institute of Protuberance Nomenclature (the “GIPN”) announced today that because Glastonbury Tor has grown by 30 metres over the last decade, it is to be awarded the prestigious status of mountain, and will be renamed Glastonbury Mountain as of June 2011.

    Glastonbury Tor to be renamed Glastonbury Mountain

    Lord Mayor of Glastonbury The Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight was delighted, and announced to a packed audience in the town square “This is a big day for Glastonbury Mountain, and an even bigger day for the Glastonbury Signwriters Guild”.

    However, Uther Henge at the National Trust gift shop was less enthusiastic this afternoon, pointing to a stack of Tor guides that are going to have to be reprinted. “I don’t think those boffins in Geneva really understand how much we liked this place when it was a tor. A lot of people around here are struggling to see any advantages in living next to a mountain”.

    Industry insiders believe this award may be a bid to stave off criticism of the Institute over its recent legal action that forced Harry Hill to rename himself Harry Human.

  • Flooding hits St. Michael’s Tower

    Freak floods that hit Somerset this week have put St. Michael’s Tower under 6 feet of water, creating hundreds of pounds in damage to this valuable ancient mystical landmark.

    Flooding hits St. Michael's Tower

    Visitors to St. Michael’s Tower that sits atop Glastonbury Tor have been warned to bring wellies, and with the BBC predicting higher than average rainfall for the next few days we can only wait and see if any damage has been left behind by the floodwater.

  • Defra hand-cooked crisp warning

    Defra has issued a warning about the effect of hand-cooked crisps on the delicate ecology of Glastonbury Tor. These particularly hard crisps have become popular over the last few years, often replacing thinner and less destructive crisps such as the traditional Golden Wonder Ready Salted that used to be such a common sight in the typical British picnic.

    Squirrel choking

    Ken Armsworth, Chief Animal Welfare Scientist at Defra said at an emergency press conference today: “I don’t think people realise how dangerous a hand cooked crisp can be to a squirrel or badger that is foraging for food in a picnic site. These creatures have become accustomed to eating discarded prawn cocktail and cheese and onion crisps – a particular delicacy for this kind of wildlife. When they find a discarded hand-cooked crisp, they try and eat it with often devastating consequences.”

    Armsworth described the measures that have been put in place to counter the threat of hard and difficult to chew crisps – “We have a team on standby at the picnic area on Glastonbury Tor, ready to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to any squirrels that get one of these crisps trapped in their windpipe. Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do for the badgers though, they take food underground and we can’t get into their lair to provide first aid as they become very defensive, fighting off our well-meaning attempts to help.”

    There is a simple answer – unless you are willing to attend Defra’s new three month Squirrel Resuscitation course (in which case bring any kind of crisp you like*), the next time you visit Glastonbury Tor you should only bring easily crunchable crisps in your picnic, and if you really want to play it safe, bring crisps in flavours that squirrels and particularly badgers don’t like, such as Sour Cream & Chive and Smoky Bacon.

    * Except Salt & Vinegar Ringos

    Visit the Defra website to learn more about protecting these valuable species.