Glastonbury Tor

  • Drugs scandal hits Glastonbury space project – pig-tailed macaque might not fly

    This year was always going to be a tough one for Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque. Pressure is mounting in the run-up to the maiden voyage of the Mystical University of Glastonbury’s Astral class rocket.

    Jeremy the pig-tailed macaque accosts shoppers at a pharmacy in Glastonbury

    Jeremy was selected in preference to a human project leader following cut-backs in university funding for the space program. But the need to maintain tip-top fitness levels while attending full time physics, telemetry and language classes may have been too much for this brave monkey.

    Chief Rocket Engineer and university spokesperson Gordon McStevens explained; “The problem is children’s pain killers – delicious sweet pink liquid. Because pig-tailed macaques are the size of human children our veterinary consultant suggested we should give it to Jeremy to help him with the aches and pains of exercising. But it turns out that while it’s entirely safe for children, it is heavily addictive for monkeys – it makes him go totally wild”.

    Jeremy has been banned from chemists in Glastonbury, and has taken to running around the university campus screaming “More crack! More crack!” – his name for this delicious painkiller. Visitors to Glastonbury have been asked to be on their guard if approached by Jeremy as he tries to get shoppers to buy painkillers for him.

    Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary had some sharp words at a recent press conference:

    “We have had reports that this well-spoken monkey has recently been harassing shoppers in Glastonbury, paying above the odds to fuel his terrible addiction. He is small – only a child to your eyes – and many people have been taken in by his increasingly fantastical hard-luck stories. He usually explains to innocent shoppers that he left his wallet on the bus and has a splitting headache”.

    Wilkinson continued; “But you need to remember that he doesn’t know when to stop. He doesn’t even use the little measuring cup, he drinks it straight from the bottle, and then the residents of Glastonbury have to pick up the pieces – we don’t want to endure another night of rampage”.

  • Coppicing on north face of Glastonbury Tor may finally lay Forest Of The Ultrabeast myth to rest

    It must be something to do with geological features in the United Kingdom that so many harbour ancient myths about terrifying creatures that lurk in darkness – take for example the Loch Ness Monster and the Wookey Hole Gerbil.

    1755 postcard from Glastonbury perpetuating the myth of The Ultrabeast

    1755 postcard from Glastonbury perpetuating the myth of The Ultrabeast

    Visitors to Glastonbury Tor have long avoided the northern slopes, covered in ancient woodland, and known locally as The Forest Of The Ultrabeast – a name censored for many years from the guidebooks provided by the Glastonbury Tourist Information Centre.

    Folklore has it that since mediaeval times a dangerous creature much like Bigfoot (albeit with feet sized more appropriately for the local environment) has lurked in this deeply wooded area. It was only when electric street lighting was introduced in Glastonbury in the 1960′s that a night-time curfew was finally lifted. But mention of the Ultrabeast still strikes fear into nervous local residents.

    We talked to Uther Henge, the Chief Mystical Consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at the gift shop at Glastonbury Tor who has been tasked with supervising the logging operation; “Coppicing is a traditional system of woodland management that takes advantage of the fact that many trees make new growth from the stump or roots if cut down. In a coppiced wood, young tree stems are repeatedly cut down to near ground level. What we hope is that by lowering the height of these ancient trees the Ultrabeast, if he exists, will be deprived of his natural cover. The other great benefit is that we’re now able to clear the way for the A361 bypass that will ease congestion in the middle of Glastonbury.”

  • Glastonbury Tor ready to receive visitors again after returning from Olympics opening ceremony

    Yesterday was a busy day for Titania Bonham-Smythe and her colleagues at the National Trust gift shop at the base of Glastonbury Tor, following a week that saw the sale of the smallest number of cat muzzles since records began.

    Brisk sales of cat muzzles resume as Glastonbury Tor returns from London Olympics opening ceremony

    “It was obviously a great honour for the tor to feature so prominently in the Olympics opening ceremony in London” explained Titania “but that has caused very low visitor numbers. Now the tor has been re-seated we’ve been overwhelmed with little jobs preparing for the deluge of visitors today”.

    The journey back from London along the M4 motorway was not without difficulty for Glastonbury Tor. The rocket transporters used to transport the mountain that were on loan from the aeronautics department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury were never designed to cover such huge distances – normally the furthest they would take their rocket payload would be from the university buildings in the heart of Glastonbury to the launch area on the Summerland Meadows just a few miles away. Something as simple as a puncture in one of the mammoth tyres on the transporter could cause hours of delay, with resulting tailbacks infuriating motorists.

    But Bonham-Smythe is confident that visitors will enjoy a fabulous mystical day out at Glastonbury Tor today, unaware of the fervent behind-the-scenes activity; “Patricia Barnyard from the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust has been in to oil the wheels of the dog trolleys, and the gentlemen from the GIPN (the Geneva Institute of Protuberance Nomenclature) have signed off the tor at 190 metres tall, meaning that it continues to qualify for mountain status.”

    And probably the best news of all for nature lovers is that now it’s back from London, many Somerset Stranglers have been sighted emerging from their nests on Glastonbury Tor. Although July is traditionally the nesting period for hamsters worries had been building that the trip to London would cause a mass exodus. Fortunately a special grant of 500kg of cotton wool from the Olympic organising committee ensured that the hamsters were safely protected in their nests.

  • Local residents up in arms over Glastonbury Tor goldfish ban

    The National Trust gift shop at the base of Glastonbury Tor has become the battleground for yet another dispute over the rights of pet owners to use the dog trolleys.

    Regular readers will know that the trolleys were donated by the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union last year to allow less able dogs to enjoy the view from the top of the tor. But after protests from owners of other pets, restrictions were eased over which pets were allowed to use the trolleys.

    Last month, in a bid to ease queues for the trolleys, new rules were imposed that limit their use to mammals and some breeds of bird such as parakeets.

    Owners of lizards and snakes have not complained about the ban because the permanent ice cap on top of Glastonbury Tor makes conditions uncomfortable for cold-blooded creatures.

    But the many owners of goldfish affected by the ban are up in arms over what they regard as an affront to the personal freedoms previously enjoyed by their pets. Goldfish are historically important to the people of Glastonbury, appearing in the town’s coat of arms.

    In an attempt to fight back against what they perceive to be an unfair limitation on the freedom of movement traditionally enjoyed by goldfishes the Glastonbury Pet Shop Consortium are asking residents of Glastonbury to display protest signs in their windows. You can download the goldfish protest sign here:

    EQUAL-RIGHTS-FOR-GOLDFISHDownload

  • Titania Bonham-Smythe on Radio 4 You & Yours

    A palpable sense of excitement was buzzing in the air today as staff at the gift shop at Glastonbury Tor listened to You & Yours on Radio 4.

    Chief Gatekeeper Titania Bonham-Smythe had sent an email regarding a recent unsuccessful book purchase on Amazon – known as Spamazon – and we are pleased to say that it was read out by Winifred Robinson:

    You can listen to the full 41 minute You & Yours programme on the BBC website.