Author: Titania

‘Clear the shelves’ gift shop protest
Echoing the spending cut protests at public libraries this week, visitors to the National Trust gift shop at Glastonbury Tor have been buying everything from the shelves faster than staff can restock them.
In a peaceful protest spearheaded by the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union, hundreds of people have been buying items from the gift shop in response to the recent proposal by Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers to buy the tor from the National Trust and replant the grass with a mixed crop of vines and garlic.
Uther Henge, the top mystical consultant at the National Trust, who is stationed permanently in the gift shop at Glastonbury Tor was brimming with excitement; “People didn’t seem to mind the original plan to replant the tor with variegated shrubs and perennials as far as the eye can see, but the Pilgrims Union in particular were worried that vines would ruin the view out over the plains of Somerset. The double win here is that we had a massive over-stock of Lady Guinevere Lingerie in the gift shop, and have sold over a hundred garments this morning alone.”
The other good news is that the gift shop has sold all of the remaining antique reproduction slop buckets from their prison novelties range that were left over following the closure of St. Michael’s Prison.
February 1, 2011
Glastonbury Tor disappears from satnavs
Motorists in South West England awoke this morning to the discovery that satellite navigation systems no longer show Glastonbury Tor on the map. This wrecked the travel plans of many people who were planning to visit the tor today on this special day in the ancient mystical calendar.
Today is indeed an important day for the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union as they celebrate the Spring Equinox – the day when the setting sun shines directly through the window in St. Michael’s Tower and onto the main megalith in the famous ring of standing stones on the tor. People from all over the country come to Glastonbury to see the pilgrims perform their ritual barefoot walk up the single path to the top of the tor – a pilgrimage made all the more difficult by the new Keep Off The Grass signs.
Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor struggled to shed light on the situation; “Yesterday if you typed the postcode for the tor into your satnav it would bring you straight here, although admittedly if you used a TomTom it would take you round the back of the tor to a service road that doesn’t allow you access to the property. But today as the sun rose the tor disappeared from systems much like Marty disappearing from the photo in Back to the Future. If you want mystical, you have to try this out!”
A spokesman for TelSat Inc., the company responsible for the satellites that hover over British airspace was more forthcoming; “This is just paving the way for Twinchester Mountain. We were contacted by an accountancy firm in Kent yesterday who were able to provide all the proper documentation for the change of name.”
January 31, 2011
Glastonbury Tor might end up Twinchester Mountain
Changes are afoot for the National Trust who may have to reprint thousands of leaflets and guidebooks later this year following the award by GIPN of mountain status for the tor.
But today, creating yet more uncertainty about the final name of the tor in 2011, Glastonbury town council B highlighted a legal loophole that may force the other half of the town run by town council A to change its name to Twinchester, the name of the town it twinned with for purely administrative purposes yesterday.
Unfortunately for the National Trust, Glastonbury Tor is inside the half of the town run by town council A, who seem to have a less than full understanding of the European twinning system, and the intricacies introduced by these purely administrative twinning arrangements.
Lord Mayor of Glastonbury The Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight has been trying to mediate between the two councils after town council B were not invited to a cocktail party held by town council A yesterday where they were building stronger trade links with Twinchester.
A spokeswoman for town council A said at a press briefing today; “we think council B might have gained access to our offices while we were celebrating the new links with Twinchester yesterday, because it seems their legal eagles have been working through the fine print of the twinning agreement we signed with Twinchester and found a condition that we didn’t notice. Under certain circumstances, such as paying bills late, one twinned town can claim ownership of certain rights and liberties enjoyed by the other. In this case, it seems that Twinchester might own the name Glastonbury, and have the right to change it to something else. Sorry, this is all too much for me, I have a frightful headache from that last bottle of Grenadine, has anyone got an aspirin?”
The Lord Mayor had the final word; “Look, I’m not having some accountancy firm in Kent changing the name of half of this fine town from Glastonbury to Twinchester. It’s a silly name. We have been named Glastonbury for hundreds of years, and who is going to pay for reprinting all the maps and repainting all the signs? Certainly not the accountant, the bill will end up with the taxpayer, that’s who!”
January 30, 2011
Glastonbury twin town triangulation confounds Council B
Glastonbury town council A revealed today that it is to twin its half of the town with Twinchester, a decision that has disappointed town council B, whose massive investment in cheese cubes might now seem over-ambitious.
Twinchester is an off-the-peg town created for administrative purposes by an accountancy firm in Kent. Many people are critical of the standard town twinning system but become absolutely ballistic when their councils become involved in such purely administrative twinning ventures, because they fear the system is so open to abuse.
Several council members from Glastonbury town council A enjoyed the benefits of the Twinchester twinning arrangement at a trade-relations-building cocktail party today. Reports, as yet unconfirmed, indicate that the entire council stock of Grenadine has been consumed.
Glastonbury Signwriters Guild spokesman Master Craftsman Cyrus Chuldfield was quick to comment; “Members of the signwriters guild have so far repainted half of the signs around the town with the words Glastonbury twinned with Glastonbury. Now, just days later we have to repaint them again saying Glastonbury twinned with Glastonbury and partially twinned with Twinchester for administrative purposes. I shouldn’t be complaining because it keeps our guild members employed, but we are starting to worry that visitors to the town are going to be confused by the small typeface.”
January 29, 2011
Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers in dramatic Glastonbury Horticulture Society takeover
In a surprise move only hours after Glastonbury Horticulture Society announced their bid to buy Glastonbury Tor from the National Trust, Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers announced at a surprise press briefing today that they have agreed to buy a controlling share in Glastonbury Horticulture Society.
This is seen by industry insiders as a move to outflank Deutsch Gartenbau Abteilung, the German horticulture consortium that bought fifteen small mountains in Belgium in 2010, and has been greedily eyeing the nominees for mountain status announced by the GIPN this year.
Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers have big plans for Glastonbury Tor if their purchase is successful; “We have slightly modified the plan announced by Glastonbury Horticultural Society to plant displays of variegated shrubs and perennials over the tor as far as the eye can see. We still envisage a major replanting but now are going to focus on a mixed crop of garlic and vines. Research indicates that it pleases people who visit modern horticultural pleasure parks when they see vegetation that has real commercial value.”
National Trust Chief Gatekeeper at the tor Titania Bonham-Smythe had mixed feelings when we talked to her today; “I was awfully excited by the idea of the variegated shrubs, but I’m not sure people will enjoy visiting Glastonbury Tor if their view over the plains is obstructed by vines. I actually think the Deutsch Gartenbau Abteilung bid for the tor might be more in line with the profile of visitors we see. I spent a week working in the gift shop at one of their Belgian mountains recently and their Klabautermann Marmelade (Hobgoblin Marmalade) had a piquancy you wouldn’t believe!”
January 28, 2011