Glastonbury Tor

  • Welsh Rarebit deemed non-mystical by the Mystical University of Glastonbury

    After an unbroken run of twelve years on the syllabus, lecturers at the food science department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury have decided to stop teaching students about Welsh Rarebit.

    Despite its name, Welsh Rarebit is a food that was invented during the reign of King Arthur in Glastonbury, and the Magna Carta has many references to its use as something other than a foodstuff. For example, the Abbot of Glastonbury Monastery is known less for his liturgical achievements than for the fact that he repelled the invading forces of Henry VIII for over three months using only the power of Welsh Rarebit.

    Head of food science Andrew Wemblefield explained; “It’s not that the university doubts the mystical properties of rarebit, it’s just that Welsh foodstuffs have started to dominate our syllabus, leading mystical foods from other cultures to take a back seat. We have the need for a more balanced, holistic approach. If we leave students to learn about Welsh Rarebit in their own time it enables us to help them learn about the healing properties of paella, the talisman effect of the bratwurst, and most importantly, the use of low fat Petits Filou in séances.”

  • Glastonbury space program ready for April 2012 launch

    Scientists from the aeronautics department of the Mystical University of Glastonbury announced at a packed press briefing today that the launch of their Astral class rocket should be ready two months earlier than was previously expected.

    The launch will put Glastonbury centre stage in the space race that has enabled the university to attract some of the keenest scientific minds in Europe.

    Chief Rocket Engineer Gordon McStevens described the experiments that the Glastonbury space program will investigate; “Three years ago we discovered that mystical birthstones behave in a special way under zero gravity. We approached the European Space Agency, but they were unable to accommodate the very sensitive equipment that our particular line of research necessitates, so we decided to fund a brand new rocket program from university fees. It took nearly a year to raise the £3bn necessary to design and build the Astral class rocket. It will be launched from the Summerland Meadows, overlooked by Glastonbury Tor.”

    Observers stationed on the tor will have an amazing view and bookings are already being taken for the limited space that is available.

  • Perky pensioner Percival Angstrom returns to Tor for prestigious Vortex Award

    Today OAP Percival Angstrom was welcomed back to Glastonbury Tor at a reception arranged by Chief Gatekeeper Titania Bonham-Smythe. This followed his dramatic airlift in January when he was discovered unconscious in St. Michael’s Tower.

    Angstrom was presented with a basket of new age products from the National Trust gift shop at the tor, including a delightful selection of lentil tea and Hobgoblin Marmalade.

    But the highlight of the event was when the plucky pensioner was given the Vortex Award – a special cut-glass trophy in the shape of St. Michael’s Tower inscribed with his name. It means he joins a very prestigious club that only has eight other members.

    Bonham-Smythe explained; “We have now deployed each of the thousand hand-painted signs we received as part of the annual shipment from head office. When Mr. Angstrom visited the tor last month there were still some signs that were not in their correct place, and the particular No Entry sign he encountered on the wrong side of the main door to the tower almost caused him to come a cropper. The St. Michael’s vortex is something that members of the public shouldn’t be too concerned about though. It is very rare, and usually there is a member of staff on hand to step in and help using the special anti-vortex equipment.”

    Before leaving the Tor, Mr. Angstrom was shown the display Making Toast Through The Ages that was installed in St. Michael’s Tower as part of the cleanup operation following his vortex. Unfortunately the event was cut short when a slice of toast became wedged in a Toastmatic 4000, setting off the smoke alarm.

  • Head of Glastonbury Town Council A impaled on St. Michael’s Tower – foul play suspected

    Chief Inspector Wilkinson of the Glastonbury constabulary briefed the press this evening about the case of Councillor Gerald Watkins who was found in his office today impaled on a model of St. Michael’s Tower.

    The tower sits majestically on top of the brand new scale model of Glastonbury Tor that according to police had just been unwrapped and turned on for the first time.

    The National Trust are considering whether a product recall is necessary.

    Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor offered an explanation; “The new scale model of the tor went on sale this week and is fully adjustable. Using the control panel you can type in a value for any year from the early thirteenth century when the tor was discovered, to the year 2050. Hydraulic motors alter the height of the model to be exactly to scale for the year you have selected. There is a clear warning in the instructions that you shouldn’t type in a value beyond 2030 unless you have a high ceiling.”

    Henge continued; “I think what may have happened is that Councillor Watkins was leaning over his model and changed the setting from 1556, which was the date corresponding to the lowest recorded height of the tor, to 2050 which is the highest that the model can depict. The mist that tumbles down the slopes of the model may have concealed the fact that St. Michael’s Tower was heading for him at quite a speed and taken him by surprise.”

    But Chief Inspector Wilkinson was clearly unhappy with this explanation; “When we arrived at the crime scene we found that the standard instructions had been replaced with a version that tells the user that in order to perform an initial setup of the model they should turn the tumbling mist to its full mystical setting, and then type 1556 into the control panel, followed immediately by 2050. A deadly combination. This model seems to have been a gift to Councillor Watkins from Glastonbury Town Council B, and we are worried that this is an unwelcome deterioration in the twin town triangulation dispute that has plagued the two councils this year.”

  • Fully adjustable scale models of Glastonbury Tor go on sale

    The National Trust gift shop at Glastonbury Tor has turned a crisis into an opportunity this week with the release of a new scale model of the tor, delighting visitors.

    Following GIPN’s announcement in January that the tor has achieved mountain status because it grew by 30 metres between 2001 and 2011 the Trust found it had huge stocks of the previous scale model that reflected the old height of 160 metres.   These are now available in the bargain bin.

    Alarmingly, in the old models the surrounding landscape looked out of scale compared to the current height of the tor.  For example, Glastonbury Marina which sits in the shadow of the tor contained tiny models of sailing boats that were looking increasingly disproportionate.

    Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor explained; “We have always been proud of our scale model.  It generates a constant mist that tumbles down the slopes creating a very mystical effect on your mantelpiece, and visitors often comment on the realism of the group of dancers in the famous circle of standing stones.  Being solar powered the model fits very well with the ethos of our gift shop.”

    Henge continued; “We had a team of scientists working to make this next generation model of Glastonbury Tor meet the ongoing needs of our customers and they have developed an ingenious solution – a small panel allows you to key in the year and a set of hydraulic motors alters the height of the model to be exactly to scale within a thousandth of an inch.  You can type in a value up to fifty years in the future, but you should only do this in rooms that have a high ceiling.”