Tag: National Trust

Keep off the grass signs infuriate visitors and Glastonbury Signwriters Guild
The sudden appearance of Keep Off The Grass signs all over Glastonbury Tor has caused an outcry. But some people are not just complaining about the reduction in picnic space – a pressure group from the Glastonbury Signwriters Guild has also been fighting their cause.
Spokesman Master Craftsman Cyrus Chuldfield announced today; “our complaint isn’t so much about having to keep off the grass. Members of the guild are working round the clock at the moment repainting the town’s signs to read Glastonbury twinned with Glastonbury so we’re not getting out much. The problem we have is that these new signs were made by the National Trust outside of Glastonbury. For hundreds of years the local bylaws have said you need a signwriting license to make and sell signs in Glastonbury. Signwriting license application forms are available at the reception desk at Glastonbury town council B”.
But Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor was keen to defend the Trust; “This was just the standard shipment of a thousand hand-painted signs that every National Trust property receives each year from head office. Over the weekend we managed to put up all five hundred Keep Off The Grass signs, but we still have to put up three hundred Private – Keep Out signs, and fifty Form An Orderly Queue signs. The Glastonbury Signwriters Guild need to realise that if we sourced all of our signs locally we would have to charge over £100 per person for admission to the Tor. We still get guild members to paint many of our signs, so I think it’s a bit rich them complaining. For example, last week we ordered a hundred locally hand painted signs saying Wipe Your Feet You Urchin”.
January 24, 2011
Tesco to open new age store at Glastonbury Tor
Tempers are running high in the local community over plans to open a new Tesco store at Glastonbury Tor in direct competition with the National Trust gift shop.
But this is going to be no ordinary branch of Tescos – to get past tight planning restrictions they have agreed to make new age products form at least 35% of their inventory.
A spokeswoman for Tesco announced at a press briefing today; “We will be able to offer a range of mystical birthstones that beat the competition at every price point. Our Basics Birthstones are only 59p which is a big saving over those sold at the National Trust.”
Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor came quickly to the defence; “What members of the public need to remember is that although Tescos will have a wide range of competitively priced products and the convenience of self-service tills, the most important thing to think about is the total cost of your shopping basket, and this is where the National Trust wins big time.”
Pointing to the wide range of new age products on sale at the National Trust gift shop, Uther Henge explained; “Because we source our products from local new age traders we can compete well with the core items that visitors to the Tor really want. Products like lentil tea and Hobgoblin Marmalade are in Tescos more expensive Finest range, and there are also some products we sell at the gift shop that Tescos are never likely to stock, like the King Arthur Sword And Stone Playset, and our range of Lady Guinevere Lingerie.”
Update: Following pressure from Defra’s Squirrel Resuscitation Team today, Tescos have agreed to limit the sale of hand-cooked crisps at the Glastonbury Tor branch to people who can prove they are over 18 years old. Defra are expected to continue fighting for a total ban on hand-cooked crisps on the Tor.
January 22, 2011
St. Michael’s Prison finally closes
The final chapter in the story of Britain’s most expensive jail finally came to an end yesterday as the prison in the basement of St. Michael’s Tower closed, and its captives were let out on license to roam the streets of Glastonbury.
St Michael’s Tower sits on top of Glastonbury Tor, and for many years has been a source of friction between the prison service and the National Trust – the basement being managed by prison officers, and the upper floors staffed by National Trust volunteers.
The closure of this prison was welcomed by many people, not least Uther Henge, the mystics consultant stationed in the gift Shop at Glastonbury Tor, who explained; “Life has been intolerable at times, with prisoners being mocked by members of public who mistakenly believe they are there as part of an interactive display, and prisoners shouting abuse at visitors as they enjoy the mystical nature of the Tor”.
But prison guard Barry Evans who has been guarding prisoners at St Michael’s Prison for over twenty years and is now being reassigned to one of the prison service’s more prosaic clinks was less than enthusiastic; “I’ve spent many happy hours meditating on the meaning of life while guarding convicts in this prison – it has the reputation of being the most spiritually enlightened place to be incarcerated in the whole of the United Kingdom”.
Looking wistfully out over the misty plains surrounding Glastonbury Tor, Barry Evans continued; “The thing is though, many people high up in the prison service regard it as more of a novelty prison and although we get extra funding from the prison-related gifts sold at the National Trust shop, it still costs a lot more to lock someone up here than at the bigger but less mystical prisons elsewhere in England”.
January 20, 2011
Glastonbury Tor to be renamed Glastonbury Mountain
The Geneva Institute of Protuberance Nomenclature (the “GIPN”) announced today that because Glastonbury Tor has grown by 30 metres over the last decade, it is to be awarded the prestigious status of mountain, and will be renamed Glastonbury Mountain as of June 2011.
Lord Mayor of Glastonbury The Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight was delighted, and announced to a packed audience in the town square “This is a big day for Glastonbury Mountain, and an even bigger day for the Glastonbury Signwriters Guild”.
However, Uther Henge at the National Trust gift shop was less enthusiastic this afternoon, pointing to a stack of Tor guides that are going to have to be reprinted. “I don’t think those boffins in Geneva really understand how much we liked this place when it was a tor. A lot of people around here are struggling to see any advantages in living next to a mountain”.
Industry insiders believe this award may be a bid to stave off criticism of the Institute over its recent legal action that forced Harry Hill to rename himself Harry Human.
January 18, 2011