Tag: Glastonbury Pilgrims Union

Keep off the path signs cause incendiary rage
Many visitors to Glastonbury Tor were understandably upset by the arrival of 500 Keep Off The Grass signs in January. But they have been thrown into complete confusion by a new set of signs instructing them to keep off large sections of the path that runs from the National Trust gift shop at the base of the tor to St. Michael’s Tower at the top.
These emergency measures have been put in place because dozens of people visit the tor every year and the pathway that was installed in ancient times by King Arthur and his merry men is showing clear signs of water damage.
Uther Henge, the chief mystical consultant for the National Trust stationed permanently at their gift shop at Glastonbury Tor explained; “This is just a temporary measure because of the recent flooding. We are trying to give it time to dry out. It is quite simple – when visitors walk up the path and encounter one of the banned sections they need to tiptoe along the channel of gravel on the edge that separates the grass from the pathway. Obviously this involves some nimble footwork, but we have trained assistants on hand to prop people up if they look like they are going to stumble. We have also set up an assessment area at the gift shop where visitors can practice walking along a narrow channel of gravel to see if they meet the standards required to make a proper ascent. It allows us to weed out anyone who looks like they will cause a problem.”
Speaking on behalf of the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union, Chief Stairmaster Paul Hompkins was keen to bring attention to the challenge that union members are now encountering on their daily barefoot walk from Glastonbury town to the top of the tor; “For many years, union members have taken special measures to avoid eroding the path that leads to the top of Glastonbury Tor, but unfortunately there is a worn channel up the middle that collected a lot of water in the recent flood. This Christmas we began sewing little bags of cement into our trousers and shaking it down our legs to try and fill the holes. So far we have reversed fifty years of wear, but we still have a way to go.”
Hompkins continued; “You can understand that our barefoot ascent of the tor has become very difficult because so much is now confined to the painful gravel channels. Our members have got around this by strapping tennis rackets on their feet. Interestingly this seems to add to the solemnity of their penitent journey.”
March 23, 2011
Glastonbury Pilgrims Union forced to lift Air Sea Rescue boycott
Famous for their weekly barefoot pilgrimage to the top of Glastonbury Tor, the Pilgrims Union are not so well known for compromising on matters of principle. But this afternoon for the first time since late January when they began their boycott, penitent pilgrim Anders McCadmium allowed himself to be airlifted to safety by the Air Sea Rescue Service, during treacherous weather on the tor.
Chief Stairmaster Paul Hompkins later briefed the press on the events that led to this embarrassing event; “I was elected head of the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union in 1976 on the pledge that we would build on the ethos of our brotherhood – our mystical devotion to the earth mother, our humble life of sanctity and contrition. But we also hold personal safety very dear, and when pilgrims make their daily journey to the top of the tor, I insist that in their knapsack full of union paraphernalia they include the basics of life preservation – a tinfoil cape, distress flare and 10kg bar of Kendal Mint Cake.”
Hompkins continued; “Today Anders McCadmium found himself about fifty yards from the top of the tor, caught in the most awful rain storm. It was so bad that he was forced to take shelter in a small dip that provided little in the way of relief. It really was a matter of life and death. He was forced to set off his distress flare which immediately summoned the Air Sea Rescue Service. Fortunately Pilot Officer Graham Gillespie and his crew were able to rescue Mr. McCadmium, and take him to our place of safety, the Pixie Gardens Tea Room in the heart of Glastonbury town. Here he was treated with a traditional infusion of lentil tea, and he seems to be much better.”
Anders McCadmium is expected to make a full recovery once the Kendal Mint Cake has passed through his system.
February 23, 2011
Some other pets now allowed to use dog trolleys to climb Glastonbury Tor
A public outcry has followed the recent announcement that Glastonbury Pilgrims Union has donated thirty dog trolleys to enable people to enjoy the tor with their dogs. These trolleys were necessary because the tor has grown by 30 metres in the last decade which meant that many dogs were no longer able to get to the top under their own steam.
This week three hundred owners of other pets signed a petition that was handed in to the Lord Mayor of Glastonbury the Rt Hon Lawrence McKnight, that claimed equal rights to trolleys for all pets.
In a partial step-down the Pilgrims Union have agreed that if trolleys are not being used by dogs then other pets may use them. However it is not good news for all pets. Very small animals may be expected to double up and share with others in order to avoid wasting space. So for example, if two people arrive with chinchillas, and there is a spaniel sized trolley, they would be expected to share. There are no plans to force animals from entirely different species to share trolleys, but many people think this will be hard to enforce. The rule of thumb is that if a pet is likely to eat or attack another animal that it shares a trolley with, then it should wear a muzzle.
Fortunately muzzles for a wide range of species are available in the National Trust gift shop if pet owners arrive without one.
Patricia Barnyard of the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust remains upbeat; “Obviously dogs take priority. They are the best sort of pet, and this new ruling on trolleys accepts that fact. It means that dogs are never expected to share a trolley. They are always welcome to enjoy their visit to the tor, although there have been occasions when a queue of beagles has developed. On the other hand, if you want to bring a hamster or a cat for a walk on the tor it is possible that they will be able to use the trolleys too, and visitors will find a good selection of cat muzzles in the shop, on the shelf below the Hobgoblin Marmalade.”
February 18, 2011
Dogs to enjoy Glastonbury Tor more in 2011
Because Glastonbury Tor grew by 30 metres since 2001, many dog owners have expressed concern about the steep slope their pets must now endure when climbing from the National Trust gift shop at the base to St. Michael’s Tower at the top of the tor.
The Glastonbury Pilgrims Union has stepped in and donated thirty dog trolleys of various sizes that will allow people to still enjoy the tor with their pets, but without tiring them excessively.
Patricia Barnyard of the Glastonbury Dogwalker’s Trust is particularly happy; “This is a typically kind and generous gesture by the Pilgrims Union. The tor has become very steep lately and many dogs struggle to make it all the way to the top. With these trolleys dogs of all kinds can now be led by their owners to the top where they can enjoy the view with everyone else. It is worth noting that the trolleys are available on a first come first served basis, and they are mostly in smaller sizes. You may find a queue if you bring an Alsatian or Doberman for a walk on the tor. There is currently only one trolley that can transport a Great Dane in comfort.”
February 10, 2011
‘Clear the shelves’ gift shop protest
Echoing the spending cut protests at public libraries this week, visitors to the National Trust gift shop at Glastonbury Tor have been buying everything from the shelves faster than staff can restock them.
In a peaceful protest spearheaded by the Glastonbury Pilgrims Union, hundreds of people have been buying items from the gift shop in response to the recent proposal by Société d’Horticulture de Poitiers to buy the tor from the National Trust and replant the grass with a mixed crop of vines and garlic.
Uther Henge, the top mystical consultant at the National Trust, who is stationed permanently in the gift shop at Glastonbury Tor was brimming with excitement; “People didn’t seem to mind the original plan to replant the tor with variegated shrubs and perennials as far as the eye can see, but the Pilgrims Union in particular were worried that vines would ruin the view out over the plains of Somerset. The double win here is that we had a massive over-stock of Lady Guinevere Lingerie in the gift shop, and have sold over a hundred garments this morning alone.”
The other good news is that the gift shop has sold all of the remaining antique reproduction slop buckets from their prison novelties range that were left over following the closure of St. Michael’s Prison.
February 1, 2011