After spending over 5,000 hours researching under laboratory conditions the Mystical University of Glastonbury has announced the outcome of a three year study into the behaviour of soap in showers.
Although their conclusions may change the way we all shower in future, some observers believe the research should have been handed over to one of Glastonbury’s less mystical seats of learning when it became apparent that the behaviour of soap can usually be explained by non-mystical scientific principles.
Head of research Gary Rawlinson announced at a packed-out press conference this morning: “This research was sponsored by Procter & Gamble in response to complaints from customers that soap-drop incidents while showering were on the rise. They came to us partly because of the amazing shower research facilities at the Mystical University of Glastonbury, and also because of our previously published research into the optimum direction to reach when searching for soap that you’ve dropped in the bath.”
Rawlinson explained the methods used in their research; “Initially we asked people to keep a shower diary, noting the size, shape and moistness of their soap. We asked them to recall how many times they dropped their soap, and the time between drops. And we asked people whether they were in a hurry to get showered quickly. While this research gave us some valuable data relating to the correlation between soap moistness and dropping we suspected a degree of under-reporting. There is after all a lot of stigma attached to dropping soap, as people often mistakenly think it is a sign of clumsiness. To overcome this in our second phase of research we started to observe students while they showered, and came to two conclusions, firstly that people really don’t like it when you stare at them while showering – that explains why I have this black eye – and secondly, that you rarely drop soap just once. This is where we made our real breakthrough.”
The Mystical University has announced a three-step process that should help you to almost completely eliminate soap dropping, and at the same time cut about 10% off the time it takes to shower:
- Have two bars of soap in your shower, alternating between bars ever 30 seconds. Keep the unused bar of soap on a dry flannel to remove excess moisture.
- If you drop your soap, turn off the shower and stand on your bathroom floor without a towel for one minute. This form of extreme training quickly teaches you to keep a moderately firm grip on your soap.
- If your inferior soap brand regularly achieves a moistness coefficient greater than 30% while showering, consider switching to Procter & Gamble’s Safeguard Extreme range of soaps. These have been clinically proven to almost completely eliminate drops through the use of an ingenious cord attachment.